The American Family Association And You: Learning To Be An Intolerant Asshole Through The Grace And Glory Of The Lord God Almighty

I have a dirty little secret.

No, it doesn't involve cosplay, but it's almost as bad. About once a week, I drop by the American Family Association website, just to see what crazy shit they're on about. Usually, it's pretty trite: lots of things about the so-called "homosexual agenda" and ill-concieved rants against evolution. Personally, I love reading it - it angries up the blood a little, but in a funny way. The homosexual agenda? Let's see.

Daily Planner (STRAIGHT MAN)
7:15 - Get up.
7:35 - Shower.
7:50 - Coffee & breakfast.
8:10 - Kiss girlfriend goodbye, leave for work.

Daily Planner (GAY MAN)
7:15 - Get up.
7:35 - Shower.
7:50 - Coffee & breakfast.
8:10 - Kiss boyfriend goodbye, leave for work.

Actually, who am I kidding? A gay guy probably spends more time in the bathroom; they tend to care about their appearances a little more than the rest of us. Still, the point of the matter is: there is no Goddamn "homosexual agenda". They don't go around lisping and prancing and trying to figure out how to turn your kids queer. If there is a homosexual agenda, it mostly involves putting an end to ill-concieved persecution by ignorant morons such as AFA members and claiming the societal rights and privelidges that the rest of us enjoy.

As for evolution, you guys are behind the 8-ball on that one. Don't worry; in a few more generations your descendants may evolove to the level that the rest of us are at now.

Anyhow, I was at the AFA site again today, and two things struck me. One was their anger over the fact that Playboy is going to start offering porno on the go over cellphones. According to them, it's only a matter of time before a "tsunami" of porn is on cellphones everywhere. Of course, this is a tsunami of bullshit. If you've got to pay $1.25 a day to have a shitty joke texted to your phone, imagine what porno is going to cost! Who'se gonna be able to afford this service? Middle-aged men who wear lots of suits and form the core of the AFA donor pool. I've got five bucks that a cool 25% percent of AFA members are looking at pornography right now. They encourage you to send the following letter to the FCC:

Dear Commissioner,

Playboy has announced that they plan to begin using cell phones to deliver their pornography. No doubt scores of other pornographers will follow the lead.

We urge you to do all you can to prohibit this effort by Playboy and other pornographers, including but not limited to the largest fine possible for those pornographers who send their pornography to our children's cell phones.

For some reason, they encourage you to edit this letter to reflect your own feelings. This was a challenge that I could not resist.

Dear Commissioner,

Playboy has announced that they plan to begin using cell phones to deliver their pornography. No doubt scores of other pornographers will follow the lead.

I, for one, welcome our new smut-peddling overlords. I suggest - nay, demand - that this service be made mandatory and free of charge to all mobile telephone users. God willing, we will soon be able to recieve masturbation material at home, at work, in the car, on the street - even while in church!

There is one serious technical concern, however: the "vibrate" setting may become more popular, causing the phones to burn out a little more quickly. Perhaps the FCC should examine the ramifications of this.

The form letter can be found here. You know what to do.

The other thing that caught my eye today was the AFA's attack on the British "socialist-style" national health care system. Some poor child, who suffers from "serious brain, lung and kidney damage" is in the center of a fight between doctors and her parents. The courts have ruled that doctors do not have to recussitate the baby if she stops breathing. The parents, Christian to the very core, want everything possible done to prolong the suffering of their child.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with the parents? Letting go is hard, but this kid is never going to grow up and what little living she will do will be through a patina of constant pain, breathing difficulties, and severe mental retardation. Do the merciful thing and let her die. This is not euthanasia; it's just not fighting Death when it arrives. If Heaven is supposed to be so much better than our mortal world, why won't you let nature take its course and let your kid go there?

Throughout the article, attacks on the British health care system run rampant.

Dr. David Stevens with the Christian Medical & Dental Associations says although euthanasia is illegal in Britain, that does not change the control doctors are given. He explains that England has a national health service that provides free healthcare to British citizens. Essentially, he says, that results in a "single-party payer" of medical costs.

"In other words, the government's paying all the bills and dictates all the policies, which makes it quite different than here in the U.S.," Stevens says.

Good Lord! A government that provides health care to all of its citizens? What a travesty! If that wasn't bad enough, the last paragraph kind of says it all:

According to a BBC News report, under the British medical system, doctors can refuse to treat a person if they feel the treatment serves no purpose or if the quality of life is deemed to be so low that it is not in the patient's interest. But if the family and doctors disagree, it is left to the High Court to decide.

So, if the family of a patient and a doctor disagree, it goes to the courts for arbitration. This appears to me to be a system of so-called "checks" and "balances". I wonder where I've heard of those before?...

Poor Men Want To Be Rich, Rich Men Want To Be Kings,

and I want to be something akin to a diety. Failing that, some sort of absolute dictatorship position wouldn't be too bad. Absolute power is said to corrupt absolutely, but since I'm already pretty well corrupted, I don't consider this to be too much of an issue. Or, as I have seen it written: "Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat."

I've always thought that if I was ever to be forced to get a tattoo, it would be one of a crucified Christ, complete with Crown of Thorns (TM) and the wound on his side. You know the one - the Roman-esque King of the Jews, nailed to that structurally-unstable cross, always painted with dirty blond hair and a mixture of love and pain in his eyes, looking up towards Heaven. Why? Because that historically inaccurate image has driven people to do things that any sane person would write off as stupid, cruel, sadistic and misguided. With that image, and the thought of the suffering of one supposed Son of God in their minds, men and women have gone to war, betrayed their family and friends, and committed innumerable atrocities in the name of God. Of course, they were often egged on by men with completely secular aims, but they were doing what they truly thought was right.

In essence, this image is the socially-acceptable version of the Swastika. It does the same thing to hard-core Southern Baptists today as the ancient Asian glyph that Hitler appropriated to be a symbol of hate and oppression did to Germans in the 1930s. People will believe anything you tell them if they associate your truths with a symbol that appeals to them in some way.

Don't get me wrong, here, I'm not looking to have the kind of power that Hitler had. I don't want to elimate any certain group of people (save for yappy dog lovers, you guys are fuckin' dead), but I would like to have millions, perhaps billions, of followers doing what I want them to, and, moreover, believing it to be the right thing. Following my orders because they think that it's a good idea, not because they're being forced to.

Napoleon. He's a good example of who I want to be like. Only, instead of France, I want to control the world. I'd also like to refrain from being captured and exiled to islands, if at all possible. One thing that I'd be certain to avoid is invading Russia, as the Steppes seem to be the downfall of every would-be conqueror of Europe. If I was forced to invade, it would only happen after every square inch of the country was carpet bombed five or six times over. Even then, I'd be prepared to lose.

Anyway, the whole point of this rant is that I would like to hold absolute power over a large portion of the Earth's population. If anyone wants to volunteer, just drop me a line. Remember, God almost certainly doesn't exist, but I do. Furthermore, if God does exist, he hates you. I, on the other hand, merely dislike you and want you to toil endlessly under my command.

Actually, scratch that. God doesn't exist, so you may as well pledge yourself to me while we're all here. Remember, join my Legions of World Domination now and you'll be more likely to win my favour before your inevitable denouncement and fall. I'll be sure to give all early-comers painless executions, or at least executions that are as painless as possible while still making for an excellent public spectacle.

Gramatik

Although this phenomenon of blogging is new and somewhat confusing to me, I've decided to buy in to it. I'm not exactly sure why: the vast majority of blogs that I've seen are full of trashy netspeak and "shout-outs" to the author's "peeps". As I neither give shout-outs nor do I have peeps, you can rest assured that mine will not degenerate to this level.

On that note, I've been thinking about grammar lately. It seems to me that most people attending Dalhousie never managed to pass grade-school English. Now, this is not to say that my grammar is always perfect. I use too many colloquisims to be considered an authority on all matters grammatical. Still, I know where to put the bloody dollar sign. It's not "2$", people, it's "$2". Furthermore, adding an "'s" to a word makes it possessive, not plural. "Two TV's for sale" makes no sense whatsoever. The TV's what? What do the televisions have that I want? What do they possess? It would be acceptable to say "This TV's sound is excellent." That's a quality that it exibits. This is basic, basic stuff.

Furthermore, if you're trying to sell something, spend the extra five minutes and make a decent poster to advertise your sale. Use the spell checker, for chrissakes, and make sure everything lines up properly. It might take a little exta time, but it's worth every one of the precious few seconds that you'll spend on it. It annoys me to no end to see poorly written and formatted signs put up by people who are supposed to be recieving a higher education. I know that not everybody is a friggin' ad executive, but still - making a good sign is not at all hard. Most word processors even ship with templates. Templates! Fill in the blanks! A three-year-old with Down's Syndrome could make better signs than most of the terrible advertisments posted on public bulletin boards.

Next time I want to sell something, I think I'll write the poster in blood. Now that's devotion to an art. I wonder how long it would take to fill an empty ink cartridge if I started drawing small vials today? Also, would blood clog the print head?